I used to hate crying or showing any "soft" emotion. I thought it was weak and I didn't want to be associated in any way with weakness. I was growing into a man and needed to be strong. Needed to be tough. Needed to be what I thought a man should be and crying was not in that formula. Crying got your man-card taken away.
Some time in my twenties I began to figure out I had lots of unshed tears inside me that needed to come out. I learned being a man and being whole as a person is about the ability to feel all of your emotions and being strong had nothing to do with suppressing the the ones I didn't like. Being a man is about having the courage to feel everything, even if that means crying.
Along the way I'd shut off my ability to cry and closed off the place in my heart deep enough to feel emotion strong enough to bring tears. When I needed them, they weren't there. When I needed to feel in order to heal, I couldn't. Instead I felt fear. I felt anger. I felt resentment and confusion. I felt distant from myself and even more distant from God.
I was a hot mess.
In all that chaos and junk, I can remember praying, "God, please help me to feel again. Give me my tears back." It was probably more raw, but that's the gist, and that's all it took.
Over the last 12 or so years God has been faithfully answering that prayer. I have much further left to go in my journey and healing process but God has given me back those tears. Sometimes they are tears of sadness, tears of regret, or repentance. Sometimes they are tears of joy and thanksgiving as they are right now.
I told a friend recently that I'd been crying quite a bit lately and they said, "well I don't like to hear that." I don't mind because I can remember the times I wanted so badly to access their emotion but just couldn't. I remember what I went through to get them back. I understand how much love and grace was extended and how many people poured into me so I could wipe my eyes and thank God for the ability to feel, for tears.
Every single one of mine is an answered prayer.
Some time in my twenties I began to figure out I had lots of unshed tears inside me that needed to come out. I learned being a man and being whole as a person is about the ability to feel all of your emotions and being strong had nothing to do with suppressing the the ones I didn't like. Being a man is about having the courage to feel everything, even if that means crying.
Along the way I'd shut off my ability to cry and closed off the place in my heart deep enough to feel emotion strong enough to bring tears. When I needed them, they weren't there. When I needed to feel in order to heal, I couldn't. Instead I felt fear. I felt anger. I felt resentment and confusion. I felt distant from myself and even more distant from God.
I was a hot mess.
In all that chaos and junk, I can remember praying, "God, please help me to feel again. Give me my tears back." It was probably more raw, but that's the gist, and that's all it took.
Over the last 12 or so years God has been faithfully answering that prayer. I have much further left to go in my journey and healing process but God has given me back those tears. Sometimes they are tears of sadness, tears of regret, or repentance. Sometimes they are tears of joy and thanksgiving as they are right now.
I told a friend recently that I'd been crying quite a bit lately and they said, "well I don't like to hear that." I don't mind because I can remember the times I wanted so badly to access their emotion but just couldn't. I remember what I went through to get them back. I understand how much love and grace was extended and how many people poured into me so I could wipe my eyes and thank God for the ability to feel, for tears.
Every single one of mine is an answered prayer.
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